New Albany Daily
Commercial 12 Jul 1868 p4c5
TO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. All
About Kissing – How it Should, and How it Should Not, be Done. The weather is hot – too hot, we think, even
for love making and kissing. Yet, we
suppose, young people care not for the condition of the weather or the range of
the mercury when they “set their heads on’t” to love and be loved by each other. A lady furnishes one of our exchanges a full
history of kissing – “how to do it, and how not to do it,” which we republish “for
the benefit of all concerned.”
“People will kiss, yet not one in a hundred know how
to extract bliss from lovely lips no more than they know how to make diamonds
from charcoal, and yet it is easy at least for us!
“This little item is not alone for young beginners,
but for the many who go at it like hunting coon or shelling corn. First know when you are to kiss. Don’t make a mistake, although mistakes may
be good. Don’t jump up like a trout for
a fly, and smack a woman on the neck, or on the end of her nose, or slop over
on her waterfall or bonnet ribbon, in haste to get through. The gentleman should be a little the
tallest. He should have a clean face, a
kind eye, and a mouth full of expression instead of tobacco. Don’t kiss everything, including nasty little
dogs, male and female. Don’t sit down to
it, stand up. Need not be anxious to get
in a crowd.
“Two persons are a plenty to corner and catch a
kiss. More persons spoil the sport. It won’t hurt any after you are used to
it. Take the left hand of the lady in
your right hand. Let your hat go to
----- any place out of the way! Throw
the left hand gently over the shoulder of the lady, and let the hand fall down
on the right side toward the left. Don’t
be in a hurry. Draw her gently to your
loving heart. Her hand will fall lightly
upon your shoulder, and a handsome shoulder-strap it makes! Don’t be in a hurry. Send a little life down your left arm and let
it know its business. Her left hand is
in your right, let there be no expression to that – not like the grip of a
vice, but a gentle clasp full of electricity, thought and respect. Don’t be in a hurry. Her head lies carelessly on your shoulder;
you are nearly heart to heart! Look down
into her half closed eyes! Gently yet
manly press her to your bosom. Stand
firm, and Providence will give you strength for the ordeal. Be brave, but don’t be in a hurry. Her lips almost open! Lean lightly forward with your head, not the
body. Take good aim. The lips meet – the eyes close – the heart
opens – the soul rides the storms, troubles and sorrows of life, (don’t be in a
hurry!) heaven opens before you, the world shoots from under your feet as a meteor
flashes across the evening sky; (don’t be afraid!) the nerves dance before the
first created altar of love as a zephyr dances with the dew-trimmed flowers –
the heart forgets its bitterness – and the art of kissing is learned!
“No noise, no fuss, no fluttering and squirming, like
a hook-impaled worm. Kissing don’t hurt;
and it don’t require a stamp to make it legal.
Don’t job down on a beautiful mouth as if spearing for frogs? Do not muss the hair, scratch down her
collar, bite her cheek, squizzle her rich ribbons and leave her mussed, rumpled
and flummixed! Don’t grab and yank the
lady as if she was a struggling colt! Do
not flavor your kisses with onions, tobacco, gin cocktails, lager-beer, brandy,
&c., for a muddling kiss is worse than the itch to a delicate sensible
woman.”
There, now, is your receipt, try it.
